3M: Is now 2M.
401(k): Is now 201(k).
Alimony: Two person mistake paid by one.
Budget: Written proof that you can’t afford the things you want.
Bull: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked last quarter.
Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO: Chief Fraud Officer
Diversification: Putting your money under more than one mattress.
Dow Jones: Is now Down Jones.
EBIT: Earnings before irregularities and tampering.
Income Tax: Capital punishment.
Inheritance: Will-gotten gains.
Institutional Investor: Past year investor who is now locked up in a mental institute.
Liquidity: When you open your investment statement and wet your pants.
Loanation: Money given, typically to a close relative, which the provider considers a loan and which the recipient considers a donation.
Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.
P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
Quarter: A dollar, after taxes.
Social Security: A federally mandated pyramid scheme.
Standard and Poor (S&P): Your life in a nutshell.
Tax Refund: A tactic devised by politicians to give you back some of your own money in such a way that you are supposed to think it’s a gift.
Taxation: An art which consists of plucking the goose to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hiss. (Jean Baptiste Colbert)